And they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives until the death.
-Revelation 12:11
Because my testimony is not based on one singular event, I will continue to share my Prayer Room Praises here, and everywhere else, as they happen, Amen. My testimony is quite different than my husbands; it’s quite different than a lot of peoples. It’s not just a testimony of being lost and then found. No, mine is one of being pulled straight from darkness and into the light; of being on the edge of an open grave…to being raised to new life.
Part One
The short version of my testimony would be that I was suicidal and looked for a church, created a prayer room, studied His Word, stayed in prayer, was physically rescued and then healed. But just a few short words in one sentence cannot possibly describe the magnitude of where I was then and where I am now; even more so, who I was then and who I am now. I didn’t just say a prayer and all was well. No, I called out to the Lord, and because He is faithful, He answered.
And they overcame him by the Blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
-Revelation 12:11
Part Two
For years, I had struggled to maintain a relationship that I knew was extremely toxic. But we had children. Right. One was his and one was not. Our entire relationship was a vicious cycle of constant judgement, criticism, negativity, body-shaming and hate.
A cycle that repeated daily for almost two decades. And I wasn’t the only one on the receiving end of it. That abuse, because that is what it was, extended to both boys as well. Young boys, hearing and seeing and breathing in all that toxicity. The weight of always trying to maintain some sort of peace and constantly walking on eggshells was heavy. The weight of knowing what my children were living through was even heavier. And shamefully, I had a part in all of the going back-and-forth in the arguing and fighting.
My responses to these situations were hardly graceful; something that I’ve had to acknowledge and take responsibility for. Looking back, it was just a series of daily battles that I could never win. And then the miscarriage happened. And in an instant, all of the weight of everything had turned into darkness.
And the Light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
-John 1:5
Part Three
After that loss, I was almost always chronically ill and I wasn’t allowed to grieve properly. I was also under a spiritual oppression and bondage that I just did not understand. I would see dark shadow figures come out of the walls and trees. I would see demonic faces and beings. Regardless if my eyes were open or if they were shut; I would see them. When I would try to fall asleep, I would see moving tunnels and it would feel like I was being pulled into them. I would see all sides of an object at once and as the object changed in shape, so would the numbers beside each of the corners. It’s hard to explain.
I would hear things. It felt like I was being compelled to do things I didn’t want to do; like drive my car off a bridge. The anxiety, panic and fear that took hold of me was crippling. It was to the point where I did not want to leave my house. I went to my doctor, a few times, and said…”I think I may have schizophrenia.” He assured me that I was in a spiritual battle and not a physical one. But looking back now I realize it was both; because one often leads to the other. So my life, it seemed, was evolving into a life of complete confusion, illness and bondage.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
-Ephesians 6:12
Part Four
My partner at the time, because we had been together for so long, thought he had the right to have me medicated or admitted somewhere. It was constant criticism, threats and comments about how crazy I was. And I was used to it. But it had gotten to the point where I had just decided that the only way to escape from him was to break up with both him, and life. So that’s what I decided to do.
I didn’t have a particularly spiritual or religious upbringing. I had attended church a few times here and there growing up. I knew about God, a little about Jesus, and next to nothing about the Holy Spirit. But I knew that I didn’t want to end my life not knowing the Truth. So, as a last effort to be able to at least say that I had tried in this life, I decided to get into the Word of God for myself. And that’s when things began to change.
But seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His Righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
-Matthew 6:33
Part Five
When I first got into the Word, I didn’t really have too many expectations. I was just going to read it and that would be that. I had remembered bits and pieces of various stories from when I was little, but there wasn’t really anything that had resonated with me. Which is sad really; especially with everything I know now and everything that I have personally experienced.
So needless to say, getting into it was kind of difficult for me because I didn’t believe that I would be able to relate to it. Genesis was interesting and Exodus, I knew from the name, would entail an exiting of some kind. But initially, it was a feeling of dread when I would open my Bible. It was just doom and gloom, doom and gloom…death…death…death. Page after page.
I would dread getting to the next book. Right. Especially when I got to Numbers. I was like, “Please don’t be a book about numbers…please don’t be a book about numbers.” But that’s exactly what it was filled with…lots of peoples…lots of numbers. I almost didn’t make it. That one book…almost took me out. I can look back now and laugh, but I was not laughing then. It was tedious.
But then something wonderful happened within that book, that gave me (or at least, the child in me) the ability to press on…it was Numbers 22:28.
“And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, what have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?” And all I heard in my head was that the Lord had given a donkey the ability to speak! Mic drop! That’s all it took. Despite the doom and gloom, I was all in. And I pressed on.
Lord, tell me more!
A righteous man regardeth the life of his beast: But the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel.
-Proverbs 12:10
Part Six
As I dove deeper into the Word, I began to realize that Scripture had become sort of a refuge for me. A place I could escape to when the chaos was too much. And my partner at the time, knew that as well. But to him, I was just crazy and caught up in a delusion.
And in many ways, I was caught up. I was suicidal; he didn’t know that. But I wanted out. So I was in a hurry to know more; to get finished with all of the reading. So I could be done. (Side note: I also wanted to see if there were anymore talking donkeys.)
But really, I had begun to use the Bible as a way to avoid him. When he woke up…I grabbed my Bible. When he came home from work…I grabbed my Bible. When he started slamming doors and slingin’ things…I grabbed my Bible. And I understand how horrible that must sound. But I won’t apologize for it. I lived almost twenty years with constant criticism and belittlement. The Word had become my safe-place.
Throughout our relationship, throughout all the sadness, sickness and darkness, he never encouraged me to seek help. His idea of helping me was to give me a pill that he had either gotten from friends or family. And then when he would get angry, turn around and tell me to go eat another pill. And say it in front of the boys as if eating pills happened to be a hobby of mine.
And I only share these particular details, not to point a finger, but just to sort of illustrate the nature of the relationship. Right. Prior to me getting into the Word, he was fine with how I spent my day. But as soon as I began to pick up that Bible, a whole other person manifested. Like flipping a switch.
It wasn’t until I started seeking help from the Lord, that I became the real enemy. That’s when the slander campaign began; to his friends, to his family, to anybody that would listen I’m sure. I was crazy. I needed to be in a padded room. I was a threat to myself and others. At this point, he basically equated me to that of a domestic terrorist. Once the Lord was involved in our relationship and our home…all hell broke loose. Literally.
But even in this hell, I was still being drawn to the Lord; to the secret place. Once I learned that I could have a secret place of my own, I was on a mission. I was going to create a space that was just for me and the Lord. Unfortunately, as far as privacy went, I didn’t have many options. The only time I was really ever alone was when I was doing laundry. But I soon realized that the Lord already knew this; He knew that I would need a secret place. And He had already provided that space. I just needed to meet Him there. And so I did.Okay, Lord. I’ll meet you in the utility room!
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in Him will I trust.
-Psalm 91: 1-2
Part Seven
Our utility room was quite small; basically, room for a washer and dryer with just enough space to throw some dirty laundry on the floor. Our five dogs woke up early to go out. So each morning around five or so, I would let them out and then sneak quietly into the laundry room to sit and pray and read as much as I could.
It sounds peaceful. But because I was struggling with intense suicidal and intrusive thoughts, prayer was very hard for me. These thoughts and attacks were always the worst whenever I tried to seek the Lord. Didn’t matter if I was just trying to read one verse or one chapter. Just an onset of dark thoughts one after the other after the other. I couldn’t focus when I would try to pray. I wasn’t able to pray out loud or even silently to myself without experiencing these attacks. The only way I could get my prayer articulated, was to write it down. It was chaos in my home and it was chaos in my head. Day after day.
I did a lot of crying out in that small space. I was reading and studying the Word daily. I was praying daily; desperately trying to reach the Lord. Knowing that what I was reading didn’t align with what I was planning. I thought surely, I’d be willing to risk eternity in Hell just to get away from this person. I remember literally telling this man,”You make me want to die.” Because that’s how I felt and I had nothing left. I was even willing to separate myself from my children, in that way, just to escape.
But the Lord is good. His Way is perfect. My crying out hadn’t been in vain like I thought. He was there all along. He had met me in that utility room as soon as I had asked Him. I just didn’t know it.
Until I realized my prayers were being heard…and then answered. Thank you, Lord.
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut the door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
-Matthew 6:6
Part Eight
I think at some point, I began to wonder if I really was crazy. That there was something inherently wrong with me. When that’s all you hear, you start to believe it. And at that point, you unknowingly come into agreement with the enemy. I remember whenever I would hear a family member joke about another relative being crazy, I would laugh; because I thought it was funny. Turns out, when you start to doubt your own sanity, it’s not so funny.
I know now, that intrusive thoughts are not a medical issue. They are a spiritual issue. They are demonic. Suicidal thoughts are demonic. Period. If you don’t believe demons are real, or if you believe only ‘unsaved’ folks can have them, you might want to refer back to your Bible. You cannot believe in Jesus Christ and not believe in demons when a big part of His ministry revolved around casting out demons and healing diseases caused by demons. It’s biblical. You know, people most often refer to the devil as a liar. And he is. But Scripture is very clear that the enemy comes to kill, steal and destroy. He is a murderer. Responsible for countless deaths. Countless suicides. Just mass destruction in countless lives.
This revelation tho, didn’t stop the thoughts; or the attacks. It didn’t stop the suicidal compulsion either. But it was an answer to a prayer; one of many that would follow. It allowed me to see that I wasn’t in a battle with myself; or that I had some kind of chemical imbalance. This was a battle with unseen forces that were coming against me. Forces that wanted to keep me separated from the Lord; that wanted to keep me in both physical and spiritual bondage. Again, it was all biblical; everything I was experiencing. And eventually, I began to realize how to fight back. How to use the Sword of the Spirit.
Scripture isn’t just a story. It is God’s written Word. It is His Truth revealed to us. It is an eternal covenant, a battle-plan and a weapon. Given to us by our Heavenly Father. There’s a reason why we’re told to put on the Full Armour of God; and that’s so we have a way to counter the enemy’s attacks. When we put on the Armour, we have a Heavenly defense against those fiery darts of the evil one. And so that’s what I did. Everyday. For many, many days. Until that unclean spirit was cast out. And make no mistake, there is a spirit of suicide. But that part of the testimony comes a little later.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God:
-Ephesians 6:13-17
Part Nine
I spent a lot of time in my prayer room. As a matter of fact, I probably spent more time in there than anywhere else. The anxiety that I had was so severe that I didn’t even want to go outside to check the mail. I rarely left the house. I was experiencing a minimum of two panic attacks a day. They would come out of nowhere it seemed; the rapid heart beat, the dizziness and the overwhelming fear of death. It was like my chest was about to cave-in. It was a never-ending battle; and I wanted to give up. But every day, I would find myself back in that prayer room. Crying out. Searching the Scriptures. Looking for answers. Just prayer after prayer. And every day, I would learn or discover something new; about myself, about the Lord and about these battles that we all face.
I would get in that prayer room and I would go through the putting on of the Heavenly Armour. I would use the Word, the Sword, to battle all the intrusive thoughts. The walls of that little prayer room were covered in small colored Post It notes. It was beautiful actually. The Word says in Isaiah 64:6…”But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousness are as filthy rags.” And there I was, a filthy rag, sitting next to all the filthy laundry in that prayer room. But even in all of our filthiness, we still have an Advocate to the Father. A Mediator and Intercessor. We can still come to the Lord through Jesus Christ. We can still seek Him. And that is beautiful.
But it wasn’t all about me. I wasn’t just crying out for myself. I was praying for friends and loved ones; both people I knew and people I didn’t know. I was praying for the boys. I was praying for my relationship; that we both would be changed. And little by little, I saw the Lord and how He began to move. How His Plan began to unfold. It wasn’t how I expected, but that too was beautiful.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
-Jeremiah 29:11
Part Ten
As the days and months began to pass, I would go between studying both the Old and New Testaments. My goal was to read the Word from beginning to end. But there was also this urgency to know more about who Jesus was. So, I would spend the days going back and forth.
Around that same time, I also discovered #TheChosen series. It was powerful and I loved it! It was the Word brought to the screen. I had never seen a program like it. I don’t think most people had. I understood that it was television and not a word-for-word depiction of the Scriptures. Many things are added. However, it had such a huge impact on my life, my desire to know Jesus and my perception of the Gospel. It also increased my desire to be baptized. I knew where the local churches were, and I had even attended a few when the boys were younger. And so I began to seek out a church. But it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.I filled out an online form for one church. They sent a reply with a time and date for a baptism. But that was the only communication. Turns out, I ended up going out of town that weekend. But before I went, I reached out to the church to let them know. I never received a response. I reached back out once I had gotten home to reschedule; again, no response.
I tried another church. Only this time, I called. I told the woman that I wanted to be baptized. And her response, was that because I was not a member of their church, they would not be able to help me. Which is fine, but you would think that she would then ask if I was interested in becoming a member; she did not. Not only that, she then also stated that no church of that particular denomination would be willing to baptize a non-member. And so the conversation ended.
That conversation, even though I didn’t consider myself to be of a specific denomination, really set me back. I figured her reply might be the standard reply from other churches as well. I ended up just setting that task aside; but I still had the desire. Little did I know, that the Lord’s Plan was already taking place. And I was in the middle of it. I just couldn’t see it.
But this is how He was working. Right. He had a plan for me. For my baptism. For my life. For my future. I wasn’t supposed to be in those places; those churches. I just had to be patient.
Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer.
-Romans 12:12
Part Eleven
As I was scrolling my feed one day, I noticed a friend had posted a verse that really spoke to me. Something that I needed reminding of. So, I messaged her and asked her if she knew of a church that would be willing to baptize a non-member. And fortunately for me, she did. Now, I was a little nervous reaching out because I hadn’t actually spoken to this person since high school. But she was very gracious and put me in contact with her pastor. So, I spoke with him and agreed to meet with him at the church.
And I don’t have to tell you that the devil is a liar. Because we all know. The enemy tried everything he could to keep me from that meeting; from anxiety about the meeting to a full-on panic attack on my way there. Just an overwhelming sense of doom and gloom. A heaviness and weight that made it hard to physically move. Like being completely immersed in fear and dread with my heart about to beat out of my chest. It was rough. Stupid devil.
And I share this part more so, because I want to share those small victories that we have in Christ Jesus. The enemy tried to make me believe that I was dying. And that I’d be safer if I never left the house. That I needed to turn the car around and go back to the house because someone might break in and hurt my son if I was gone. But God! Right! Because what the enemy meant for evil, the Lord meant for good; for His Glory. Amen.
And so I made it to the meeting and it went really well. What was supposed to be a 20 to 30 minute session turned into over 3 hours of conversation. Three hours of what would become my new love-language: the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
So that plan I was in the middle of, the Lord’s Plan, it was definitely in motion. And within days, I was sitting in the church He wanted me at waiting to be baptized.
But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.
-Genesis 50:20
Part Twelve
It was the middle of October of 2022, and I found myself sitting in a church among a sea of strangers. Not knowing that these same strangers would one day become as close to me as family. I remember having sat in the very first row with the pastors wife who I had only just met that morning. A very kind and gracious woman. One, who I would soon learn was both beautiful on the inside and out. It was a very overwhelming feeling. I knew the whole flight or fight response had already begun to kick in. But I just sat there. Nervous as could be.
And then an older gentleman came over and sat next to me. He asked if he could pray for me. And he did. And I thought that was a really kind and beautiful thing for him to do. He could have just said his hello and walked on by. Because he didn’t know me. He didn’t know that I felt like I was dying on the inside. Even though I was sitting in the House of the Lord. He just saw an opportunity to pray for someone. An opportunity to let the Holy Spirit lead him; to share Jesus with someone. And to me, that was beautiful.
So of course, it wasn’t too long into the service before the pastor called me up to the baptismal. And I went up before the entire congregation and stepped into the water and sat down. And I don’t recall what all he said verbatim, but I do remember him looking me in the eye with a smile, and asking me if I had indeed given my life to Christ. If I had accepted His gift of salvation and made him Lord & Savior over my life. And I openly professed that I had. And then he lowered me into the cold water and baptized me in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. And like my brothers and sisters before me in Christ, I was raised to new life. And it will be a moment that I will always remember.
But the story doesn’t end here. No, there is so much more. So many more beautiful things that would happen; from new relationships to healing to full-on deliverance. I could have never known or foreseen what was to come as a result of that meeting and baptism or the complete surrender that would take place. My whole life was about to change. And it would not be easy. But I am forever grateful.
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
-2 Corinthians 5:17
Part Thirteen
Before I had left the church that Sunday afternoon, I had been invited to attend weekly Bible studies at the pastor and his wife’s home. It was a nice invitation, but I wasn’t sure that I would be able to attend. Not because I didn’t want to go, but because like the church, their home was a good ways from mine. My youngest son was also still living at home at the time. And because I was not “officially” employed, I had to rely on his father for money and gas. And he didn’t find church, or church related gatherings, to be a necessity. Not to mention, I still had severe anxiety. So, leaving the house in general was not a high-priority for me.
But that Tuesday rolled around and I decided to go. It was early enough that our son would still be sleeping, so I really wasn’t concerned about time. But as soon as I got down the street, that fear and anxiety started to set in. And it was bad. It’s not just the panic that gets you. It’s the physiological responses that your body goes through. That panic sets in motion a whole line of physical reactions; from rapid heart beat to severe chest pains to a face full of sweat and dizziness.
And then the fear comes. Fear that you might have a heart attack or pass out behind the wheel or get into a collision and hurt someone. And as adults, we have a responsibility to not put others at risk. It’s not any different than someone who has been drinking who knows they shouldn’t drive. It puts people in danger. Plain & simple. And it’s those types of fears that cripple you; that keep you bound so that you don’t leave your home.
The only difference with anxiety is that you never know when it will hit. It literally comes out of nowhere. Just like the enemy. Doesn’t matter if you’re five minutes into your drive or fifty-five minutes into it. So, the only thing I knew to do in that moment, was to pray. And to pray out loud. And let me just say, how you pray matters.
I’m not saying that long, drawn-out fancy prayers are the only prayers that matter. What I am saying is that there is a difference praying from fear and praying from promise. There is a difference in praying….”Lord, I hope I get there”…versus…“Lord, Your Word says that no weapon formed against me shall prosper” (Isaiah 54:17
)…that this anxiety the enemy has on me is a whole lie. It’s not real. Right. The battle is already won and these weapons, these arrows that the enemy is firing at me, they shall not prosper. In Jesus’ name!
The Lord never breaks His Word. If it is not a part of His Plan…it…shall…not…prosper
. And it didn’t. I prayed Isaiah 54:17 all the way to Bible study. And I made it there. By His Word and by His Grace. Because I can assure you that it was not by my own strength. I made it to that Bible study and every one after that. Amen.
And let me also just say, that some people will say that Christians like to cherry-pick Scripture. Meaning, that they pick and choose the verses that they want to, or verses that they like, or want to use in that particular moment. That they take Scripture out of context. Maybe some people do. But the fact of the matter is, is that you absolutely can pray the Lord’s Word back to Him. Doesn’t matter if He was speaking to a prophet or to a nation, His Word is for those of yesterday, today and tomorrow.
He never breaks a promise and if what you are praying aligns with what is in His Will for your life, then you will see answered prayers. And that’s not just a personal belief of mine; it’s a reality. Most of all the answered prayers that I have had, and there have been many since that October Sunday, have come from praying the Lord’s Word back to Him. And because He is faithful, He has honored His Word in my life. So stick around, because there is so much more to share. And the Lord gets all the glory, amen.
So shall My Word be that goeth forth out of My mouth: it shall not return unto Me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
-Isaiah 55:11
Part Fourteen
I began to look forward to those weekly Bible studies. It was just a complete change of environment for me. The space felt safe and the ladies were all so loving. And not in a fake kind of way. Just legit, genuine kindness. And each with their own fun personalities, backgrounds and testimonies. God is good.
They were all very intelligent as well. Never did I think I would find myself sitting next to these types of women. Like, top of their fields in some of the highest government positions. But I never felt out of place or lower than them because of how loving and humble and kind they were. They still are to this day. Beautiful people through and through.
And here I was in the middle of them. Learning and growing with them despite our age differences. Everyone just encouraging one another in life and in the faith. And there were snacks. And I developed a new found love for coffee. It was awesome. Just new, heartfelt lessons and experiences to look forward to week after week. Not to mention the laughter; it was contagious!
And it wasn’t until later on in my prayer closet one day, that I had a realization. The realization that this small, intimate group was the answer to another prayer. Literally. Some months prior, I had written in my journal that I just wished that I could be surrounded by faithful people. That I could trade the chaos for peace. And that was what was happening. And I had been in the middle of it as it was happening. It just didn’t click. Until it did. Not only had the Lord placed me into this small Bible study, He placed me into an entire church. I was surrounded by faithful people every week. Not just on Sundays, but on Tuesdays as well. A double-portion of what I had asked for. Amen.
Like a branch that is grafted in, the Lord had grafted me into their hearts, and later on, into their homes. Again, literally. And that peace that I found, was slowly driving out the chaos. And soon, it would be completely gone. God is good.
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!
-Psalm 133:1
Part Fifteen
But in the weeks following, things would take a very drastic turn. A series of events that would seem to spiral one after the other. But God. Right. He was is the middle of it all. But at the time, it didn’t really feel like it. It felt like I was me and He was God and there was this huge space between us. And not necessarily in regard to physical distance, but more so in regard to His Sovereignty. Like I could pray to Him, but not actually talk with Him. I felt like the harder I tried to draw nearer to the Lord, the more battles came my way. But that’s how the enemy works; he causes confusion in your mind. The enemy makes you believe you’re too sinful or too unworthy to call out to your Father in Heaven. It is a lie. Do not believe it. The Lord tell us that He desires for us to draw near.
So as the days would pass, my partner began to become very irate. Even more so than he had always been. The criticism and name calling escalated; I was crazy and had turned into a Jesus freak. The church was a cult. So on and so on. He hated that I was going to church. He hated that I was going to Bible Study. He didn’t want me around those type of people. The hate was real.
He would go on rants in front of myself and our son about how God wasn’t real. That we were all going to starve to death waiting on Jesus’ return. He never missed an opportunity to use the Lord’s Name in vain. He would yell how God wasn’t the one who provided for me and our son; it was always him. He alone was the provider. He would spew the most hateful, blasphemous things he could think of out of his mouth. It was disgusting. Even a non-believer would find it disgusting. I will never write in full detail the things that he has said against the Lord.
For two days out of the week I had peace. All of the other days were complete chaos. Day in and day out. But despite all of the things, I still leaned into prayer. I prayed for him. I prayed for our family. I prayed for what could be. I set all of the emotional abuse and turmoil to the side. Because of God and because of the people He was placing in my life, I was changing. I was being refined and didn’t even know it. The chaos didn’t matter anymore. It was like looking through a different lens. I didn’t perceive my partner as the enemy, but I did recognize that he was being used by the enemy. We both had been. Stupid devil.
I made a decision to press forward in prayer and forgiveness. Didn’t matter what he did or said or even how he made me look to others. I would forgive. If my Father in Heaven could forgive me for all of my sin and filth, then surely I could forgive too. Plain & simple.
But forgiveness alone doesn’t change people. He didn’t know I was forgiving him. I doubt that he would even care if he had known. He still continued in his ways. He still continued to hate. He also had taken notice of how his antics no longer bothered me. I had stopped acknowledging his behavior. I had stopped arguing with him. I had stopped engaging altogether. And that’s when the conflict began to shift; to really intensify. But God.
Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.
-James 4:8
Part Sixteen
During this time, the ladies in the Bible study group also began to notice things. The stress at home was really weighing on me emotionally, as well as physically. And they could see that. I tried to keep my home life private for the most part. But when asked about certain things, I began to open up. The Lord had not brought me that far just for me to turn around and lie to people. So, I told the truth. My home-life was a nightmare. I began to open up with other members of the church as well. They had become like family to me and I trusted them.
One Tuesday morning at Bible study, one of the ladies leaned over and whispered in my ear, “You know, the Lord doesn’t approve.” And I did, in fact, know exactly what she was referring to. I didn’t need any further explanation. She was referring to my relationship; we were not married. Yet, we had lived almost twenty years as if we had been. And I knew that the Lord was speaking through this woman to me because I had been praying for this exact type of situation where He would do so.
And if you knew this woman like we know her, you would know that she is a woman of God. A true servant. So in no way, did I believe that she was simply stating an opinion of me or my situation. I knew the Lord was speaking through her. And I was all-ears. And even if you’re the type of person that doesn’t quite believe that the Lord speaks in these kinds of ways, what she said is still biblical. Still applies to all believers. Sexual relationships outside of covenant marriage is sin. Plain & simple. And I knew that.
And it wasn’t necessarily the kind of thing I wanted to hear. Right. Because it is embarrassing and it is shameful. But it was what I needed to hear. She didn’t say it in an ugly or condemning way. It was a very soft-spoken message that was just between her and I; but also one that was straight from the Lord. And it was a direct answer to a prayer. Amen. As a matter of fact, this seemingly small moment where a simple message was relayed, set off a series of events that would be life-changing. And I would soon learn that obedience is key.
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
-1 Thessalonians 4:3
Part Seventeen
Hearing those words through her, only validated what I already knew. My lifestyle was sinful. Like, a complete abomination. And had been for decades. It’s gross when you think about it. But God. Right. Where would we be without His Grace and His Mercy; His Call to repentance?
My life, had in no way been pleasing to the Lord. And that had to change. And so it did. I went home that afternoon knowing that I had to turn some things around. And I knew that in doing so my home-life would only get worse. And I didn’t know if I was really ready, but I knew that I was willing. So that night, I slept on the sofa. And then the next night after that as well and so on.
It wasn’t unusual for us to go days without speaking to one another. He saw the silent treatment as a way to hurt me. But I was so used to it by then, that it really had lost its effect on me. But in the following days, he did confront me about my behavior; more so, my silence. And I told him that I would not be physically intimate with him any longer because we were not married.
That was both my stance and my defense. Right. A position I believed was solid, for one because it was biblical, and two because this man had no intentions of ever marrying me. I wanted to do what was right before the Lord, but I also thought it was a good foundation for pulling away. I had just hoped he would get to a point where he would pack his things and leave. Like the time I found out he had been ‘hanging out’ regularly with a cocktail waitress from the casino. When I found out about that, he graciously offered to move out, despite his innocence, and go live somewhere else. That did not happen this round.
Instead, it just fueled the fire for his smear campaign. So now, not only was I crazy and part of a church-led cult, I was forcing him into marriage! It is mind-blowing how a person can spin a narrative to make themselves look like a victim. And I am sure that there were some people who believed him, but I learned later that many, even in his own family, did not. I never wanted marriage. I wanted out.
But the Lord is my defence; and my God is the rock of my refuge.
-Psalm 94:22
Part Eighteen
At this point, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. If I’m honest, I was hiding behind the defence that I didn’t have to be with my partner because the Bible said so; because we weren’t married. I was trying to stand on the Word even though my faith wasn’t yet solidified. I believed and I knew that I was standing on truth. But at the time, I didn’t know how to stand in my authority within that truth.
I was seeing the Lord move in my life, but was still really terrified of all of the uncertainty. Terrified of what man could do. Still bound by severe anxiety. I had a ton of doubt. The whole double-mindedness that the Book of James warns about. But God. Right. He is faithful even when we are not. He is faithful even when we don’t know how to be.
I had felt the draw and conviction to flee from immorality. Once that happened and I had made up my mind that I would no longer continue to live in knowing sin, the Lord gave me the courage and strength to honor that. And this really set my partner off. It just so happened that he had to leave to go out of town for ‘work’ for a few days. He was leaving that Friday with the expectation that he would return the following Sunday or Monday. Before he left, he told me that when he got back home, he was going to have me committed; like straight-jacket, padded-room committed. And I have to say, that the sarcastic part of me was thinking…awesome, when do I check in?
But on a more serious note, in all the time that I had struggled with my health and crippling anxiety, he never tried to do this. I mean, he never offered to help me seek help, but he never threatened to have me committed over any of these issues either. There were threats of hospitalization here and there when he would call me crazy, but nothing to this extent. It wasn’t until I started seeking the Lord, that there was an urgent need for medical intervention. So I would say there were some discrepancies in his general concern for my overall well-being. Just saying.
Now, many people who know him, know that he likes to utilize his family name and family money whenever possible. We were not married. Never even officially engaged. He had given me a ring in the beginning of our relationship, but it never came with a proposal. And even so, common-law marriages are not recognized in the State of Mississippi. So I do not believe he ever had any real legal grounds for this type of action. But do I believe that he has a few corrupt-connections? Absolutely.
So I don’t know either way what would have happened if he would have tried to have me committed. Because once he was out of town, he called to say that he had decided that he wasn’t going to have me committed after all. No, instead when he returned back home, we were going to get married.
Well, there goes my defense. What do I do now Lord?
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Part Nineteen
Great. Now what? I have to say, and I’m not trying to be ugly, but the thought of marrying this person made me physically ill. I dreaded his return. And here’s the thing, I was still praying for him. Still praying that he would draw near to the Lord; for a new heart of flesh; a new heart of flesh for both of us. Praying that he was safe throughout his day. Safe in his travels to Florida and back. But the thought of him walking through the door made me ill. The thought of marrying him, made me ill. And that is sad. But that is the truth.
So when he did return, it was all marriage-talk. And he was in a hurry. Which, I would find out later, all revolved around his initial intent to have me committed. He was very adamant that I talk with the pastor about marrying us. He would say things like, “You’re going to get your pastor to agree to marry us, or else I’m going to find someone to do it.” Basically implying that I would not be happy with whomever he chose. And more than likely, I wouldn’t have been.
For someone who was telling the world that he was being forced into marriage, he sure was in a hurry to get the ball rolling. He even attended church with me on two or three occasions. He didn’t like it at all though. He found himself sitting in the same church he had described to others as being a cult. He couldn’t stand to be at the church. He wouldn’t even acknowledge people when they tried to greet him or speak to him. It was embarrassing.
But when service was over, he would say things like, “If you don’t speak with the pastor, I’m going to go back in that church and take the mic and let everyone know who you really are.” As if I was some kind of imposter. He thought that I had the church fooled in some kind of way. But his being there was what was for-show. I knew it, people in the congregation knew it and most of all, the Lord knew it. But he was at church. Amen.
But despite his attitude, him attending church in general was an answer to a prayer. Because I had been praying that the Lord would draw him, as well as our son, to the church. And the Lord did. By His own means and for His own purpose. Now, whether or not the message from the pulpit was received, I do not know. I would say according to the events that would soon follow, probably not. But that’s not for me to say. However, I will say that both him and our son were, in fact, drawn to the church; just separately and in different ways and at different time periods. Thank You, Lord.
A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.
-Ezekiel 36: 26
Part Twenty
So just about everyday the marriage was brought up. He had already chosen the date that he wanted. He would send me screenshots of wedding dresses and rings. It was like being on a dating app. I would swipe nope to all of his suggestions; nope, nope, nope. It was constant. And as soon as I said this was cute or that was cute trying to stall, those same items would show up in the mail. Like, he literally ordered a white jumpsuit for me to get married in. Rings soon came for both him and I in the mail as well.
I could tell he was getting frustrated. It was getting closer to the date and nothing was set. He kept pressuring me to speak with the pastor about marrying us because the Bible studies were held at his house. But the pastor was not usually there for those meetings because it was an all women’s group led by his wife. And I had been putting it off anyways with whatever excuses I could.
But it just so happens that one Tuesday the pastor came home for something. And for some reason, I believed because he had come home, maybe I was supposed to talk to him about it. I mean, I had been praying for change. Been praying for the Lord to act. Right. So maybe this was it. And I asked the pastor to have a conversation about it.
And so we did. We sat outside in private while group went on and we discussed the situation. Now, I had never really opened up to the pastor like I had with his wife and the other ladies. So, it was uncomfortable for me to be asking marriage advice in regard to a person I did not even want to marry. But I believe he probably knew some details or at least had an opinion on my relationship from what he had seen himself or just in conversation with other members of the congregation. Which is fine.
But talking with him, the pastor was very upfront that he would not be the one to marry us. He believed that my partner and I were not on the same page spiritually. That we were not equally yoked. And marrying two people who were not equally yoked was not something he was going to do. Plain & simple.
Now, my partner had let me know upfront, once I had started seeking the Lord, that he did not believe in God. He wanted no part in that belief at all. He would shout it from the rooftop all day long. He would let me know through text messages and phone calls as well. But around other people, he would say, “Oh yeah, I’ve always believed.” Maybe his beliefs have changed. Hopefully they have. I do not know. But these things were discussed in that conversation with the pastor. And these things can also be verified today via documents. They are not just hearsay.
So, in one way I was relieved. But in another, it was unnerving because I knew that the pastor’s reasoning was not going to sit well once I relayed the message. So, I didn’t. At least not that one verbatim. Instead, I just let him know that he would need to be the one to reach out to the pastor himself and that there may be some marriage counseling requirements involved. But that actually angered him even more because he didn’t need any type of counseling. I was the crazy one.
But regardless a meeting, even if just a phone call, would have to be set up. And it might take a while for both of their schedules to align. And I knew that the pastor would be just as honest with him as he had been with me. And hearing these things from someone else might have more of an impact than hearing them from me. So, at least it would buy me some time.
Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness: and what communion hath light with darkness?
-2 Corinthians 6:14
Part Twenty-One
But even in this small window frame, the chaos never ceased. One day he’s going on about the marriage and the next he’s ranting about how God doesn’t exist. Just complete madness. To describe an ordinary day in our home, this is how regular interactions would play out:
When I would come home from church or study, he would already be grabbing me by the wrist before I was even halfway out of the car. We’d get inside and he would have me sit on the sofa in the dark as he went on his rant. For hours he would be holding me there; forcing me to listen to these things. Now keep in mind, he’s not in a calm state as he’s arguing his position. He would go from: God’s not real, that I needed to do my research on Jesus to he didn’t need to walk in the fear of the Lord because he didn’t sin, he didn’t need prayer nor did he need anything from God.
Then, he would direct his anger toward me. He would jump straight in to how I was a hypocrite. That I shouldn’t be putting the Lord first because he had made all the sacrifices for me; not the Lord. As if. That I was a hateful person and how the Lord had killed my brother; like, on purpose. That our son didn’t want anything to do with me. Again, as if. How I was the one who needed prayer because I was the one with the demons. That I needed to remember who I was before I met him. While also threatening to break my ribs; defending himself later, saying that was a joke.
Then in the very next breath, say how he knows the Lord. Knows all about Him. Been knowing Him his whole life. That the Lord, did in fact, approve of our sinful relationship and that I needed to do my research on that too. And then, basically would brag on himself about how generous he’s always been and how he’s always helped other people. Now, I will say this; he is the type of person that will give you the shirt off of his back. But as soon as he does he’s going to go tell, as well as complain, to everyone he knows that he did it. Just saying.
And once he was finished with his four-hour long rant in the dark, he would try to become affectionate. Like nothing had just happened. It was insanity. And when I wouldn’t reciprocate, his fury would start all over again. That was what a typical day looked like for us. It was never-ending chaos. But it wasn’t all for nothing. In a very short time, these things would serve as a testimony to the Lord’s plan, His faithfulness and His work in my life. Amen.
Pride goeth before destruction, And an haughty spirit before a fall.
-Proverbs 16:18
Part Twenty-Two
Before I get into one of the most terrifying and exciting parts of my testimony, and from this point there are many, I want to explain the basis for why I share what I share. I do not share negative things about my son’s father in an effort to tarnish his character or reputation. First, we are called by the Lord, throughout Scripture, to share our testimony of His work in our lives. These things all took place. They are a huge part of how I was drawn to the Lord and how the Lord moved in my life. Secondly, things were getting bad and because they had really begun to escalate, I wanted to document these situations; that included his behavior. That included his character and motives. I am called to share my testimony in truth and so that is why it is so detailed.
And I’ll be the first to say that there are two sides to every story; sometimes there are more. Right. So, I never want what I share with others to be perceived as a poor-me situation. I was keeping records of screenshots, photos from my phone and front door camera, as well as voice recordings to verify what I was saying. Because I am not a liar. Entire interactions were recorded; his side and mine. So it couldn’t be portrayed as one-way. And when he would specifically call me when he knew I was with one or more of these ladies just to yell and scream at me, the call was on speaker. Again, both sides shown at the same time. Third and fourth party verifications.
I also felt as if things were escalating to a point where I might have to defend myself one day; and I still might have to. I do not know. Only the Lord knows. But I wanted to make sure that if I was going to be in a battle, whether legal or not, that I at least had proof of what was really going on; be it with the relationship, threats, finances, children and so on. I wanted to make sure I had “receipts”. And I still do.
I also share in detail these things because they play a key part in the testimony itself. You cannot blaspheme the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, the Most High and expect there to be no consequences. That applies to everyone. Plain & simple. It’s not that I am good and he is bad. We were both bad; both sinful and both unrighteous.
The difference is repentance and obedience. Right. I was feeling the pull toward God. He was drawing me in. And so I turned toward Him with everything I had. I made an effort to turn from my sin. To write His Word on my heart. And to make an effort to love and walk in the fear of Him. To know Him and His will for my life. To testify to His goodness. I am not perfect! I do not claim to be. But I am different. And I had to learn to surrender. And if you want to see the Lord move in a mighty way in your life, whether physically or spiritually, it begins with His Word. It begins with true repentance and obedience.
Amen.
I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.
-Luke 5:32
Part Twenty-Three
Throughout all of the chaos and turmoil, I began to shift my focus to one specific plea. “Lord, just pick me up and set me down somewhere else. Like You did with Philip.” That was what I wanted. And I didn’t have any real expectations. It’s not like I had miracle-producing faith; I was praying from a mustard-seed position. And I had figured my pain was my fault. And in many ways, it was. We tend to get ourselves caught up in these situations. Right.
But I also knew that the God I had been seeking and reading about and praying to was a God of forgiveness and restoration. The same God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. If He could move in mighty ways long ago, then He could absolutely move in the same ways today.
Scripture tells us that the Lord is not a man that He should lie. He is no respecter of persons. What He will do for one, He will do for another. He honors His Word above His Name! He never breaks a promise. But would what I was asking for be in His will for my life? Turns out, it would be. And so my rescue story began with surrender, the Book of Acts and a plea to the Lord. Amen.
God is not a man, that He should lie; Neither the Son of Man, that He should repent: Hath He said, and shall He not do it? Or hath He spoken, and shall He not make it good?
-Numbers 23:19
Part Twenty-Four
The Book of Acts. That’s where my plea began. With good ole Philip. Chapter eight tells of the time when the Lord instructed Philip to go down from Jerusalem to Gaza. There was a eunuch who was traveling through that particular area. And when Philip came upon the eunuch as he sat in his chariot, the Spirit instructed Philip to go up to him. And so he did.
And hearing the eunuch reading from the prophet Esaias, Philip asked him if he in fact understood what he was reading. And the eunuch replied, how could he understand lest someone help explain it to him. And with that, the eunuch asked Philip to help him. And so Philip did; joining the eunuch in his chariot as he traveled.
Philip not only helped explain the writings to the eunuch, he also preached Jesus to him. And when they had come near water, the eunuch asked to be baptized declaring his belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God. And so Philip baptized the eunuch. Amen.
And so this is where my plea began. (39) And when they were come up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord caught away Philip, that the eunuch saw him no more: and he went away rejoicing. (40) But Philip was found at Azotus; and passing through he preached in all the cities, till he came to Caesarea.
That is what I wanted. That was my plea to the Lord. To be physically picked up, caught away, and set down somewhere else. And days later, I would be. I was praying for an old-school, old world act of God. And I received one. Not knowing that in time, I would receive another one. Amen.
As for me, I will call upon God; and the Lord shall save me.
-Psalm 55:16
Part Twenty-Five
We were just getting around to the holidays and the new year was also quickly approaching. My oldest son, who was stationed in Kentucky, had come down prior to visit some friends for a while. And it just so happens that he had agreed to come with me to a holiday service at church while he was in town. Which was also an answer to another prayer because neither one of the boys had any interest in attending church. So, that ended up being a real blessing.
And one of the ladies from church, who I had become close with, had offered for my son and I to come spend a day at her and her husbands home. My partner knew that we had these plans well ahead of time. So when the day came, I went over to their home. But my son called to say that he wouldn’t be able to make it after all. So, I stayed.
Well, my partner began to text and call repeatedly. Saying that I needed to come home right away because he needed the car. Now, we had multiple vehicles, so he was in no way stranded anywhere. He just didn’t want me around these people. He didn’t have any control over what I was doing, so he was throwing a fit and trying to humiliate me all at the same time. It was embarrassing.
So when evening came, I went home. He wasn’t there. But he could see on the camera when I got back. So not long after I got there, he pulled up. Mad as ever. Slamming doors. Cursing. The whole nine yards. It was pretty bad. Just complete rage. At one point, our son had come out of his room to let us know that the yelling was stressing him out and that’s when his daddy turned his anger toward him.
Even as a teenager, he was pretty scared and upset. He had just gotten into his bedroom and shut the door when his daddy was putting his fist through it. And then he was right back to yelling at me. Well, then he took his tantrum outside for all the neighbors to see and hear. Pacing the driveway and screaming on the phone. Again, embarrassing.
Thankfully, I had found the courage to start audio recording him as soon as he walked through the door. At some point, enough is enough. And I was done. Right. So, the entire ordeal was recorded. And when he went outside, I snapped pictures of the hole in our son’s bedroom door. Then I sent both the photos and audio, via an encrypted app, to the couple whose house I had just been at. And the response I received almost instantly from my friend was, “Tomorrow, I’m coming to get you.” And all I could say was, “okay.” Never realizing, in that moment, that the Lord was about to answer my plea. God is good. Thank you, Lord.
The Lord has heard my plea; the Lord will answer my prayer.
-Psalm 6:9
Part Twenty-Six
Such a simple word to text; “okay.” Just a single word. Right. But even in all of its simplicity, still a very complicated response. Okay meant that I was agreeing to let someone help me, to let other people get involved in my mess, to leaving my son in that environment. It was a very complicated thing to come into agreement with. I was initially making a decision that would effect everyone involved. It was terrifying.
Now, there have been many things said in regard to the events that would follow pertaining to our son. And that is fine. I am sure many more things will be said. However, I will not discuss certain things pertaining to him in my testimony until he is of age. The primary reason being that he still lives near his father. Right. There will come a time. This is not it.
As the evening and night went on, so did the chaos. Just one thing after another. I could tell he knew something was going on because he always knew what I was doing or who I was talking to or things that I had said in conversation over the phone. I’m almost certain he had some type of recording devices in the home. And speaking with some of his family, I found out that he had used such devices in previous relationships. So, I believe that in my silence throughout his tantrum, that he knew something was up.
And he just became angrier and angrier. I remember laying on the sofa just praying and wishing that it would all end. He was slamming things and filling garbage bags and slinging them out the door. Almost as if he were packing either his things or mine. I was actually hoping it was his. I have no idea what was actually in the bags and he never left. This behavior went on well into the night.
Just anxiety inducing rage. It physically made me ill. It was stressful for both our son and myself. And all the while I was trying to figure out how the following morning was going to play out. Because there was no plan. Just a simple text; “I’m coming to get you.” So, all I knew was that help was on the way. Scripture declares that the Lord has a plan. I just had to trust. Whatever happened. I just had to trust. And so I waited for morning.
Commit thy ways unto the Lord; trust also in Him; and He shall bring it to pass.
-Psalm 37:5
Part Twenty-Seven
I didn’t get much sleep that night. When morning came I was beyond exhausted. And I remember being filled with instant dread the moment I realized he was awake too. He came out of the bedroom and said, “You’re coming with me today.” And at that point I knew that he was worried about what I might have had planned. I just stayed quiet. Our son was still asleep, so I quietly got dressed and we left.
On the outside looking in, we just appeared to be two people running everyday errands together. Like nothing was wrong. We went to the local framer and had him custom frame some prints I did for his brother, we went to Lowe’s, dropped some things off at the donation place across the street and then headed over to the jewelers to have our wedding rings resized. Just an ordinary day. Only not.
After we left the jewelers, he said we needed to go to the court house to get a copy of my divorce papers. And so we did. Only, as soon as we did that he asked the clerk where it was we needed to go to apply for a marriage license. Which turned out, was only right across the hall. I did not think when I woke up that morning that I would later be filing for a marriage certificate. Who knows what he had planned for the rest of the day. I wanted to scream and run at the same time.
It took everything I had to maintain a somewhat normal composure. Everything inside of me told me I should run. The ole’ fight or flight had kicked in. And all I could do was stand there like a deer in headlights. Just frozen. It’s funny how trauma works. You can be in a complete state of debilitating stress where you are completely overwhelmed and feel like you’re about to shut down, but still somehow manage to hold a smile and fill out paperwork.
I didn’t understand it at the time, because it was such a stressful situation, but all these things had to unfold the way they did. I just had to be patient. I knew help was on the way, but I had to be still. Had I turned and ran, I would have been getting in my own way. Like swimming against the current instead of with it.
All those prayers prayed, they weren’t for nothing. For months, the Lord had heard my prayers, pleas and petitions. He had heard me and now He was about to move. He was about to step in. Amen.
He disappointeth the devices of the crafty, So that their hands cannot perform their enterprise.
-Job 5: 12
Part Twenty-Eight
I could easily say that I was, in fact, picked up that day. And that is that. End of story. But that would not be accurate, nor would it be the end of my story. Neither would it be an accurate way to describe the Lord’s involvement in all of this; His plan, His timing or even His faithfulness. He moved in so many ways and I’m sure there were times where He intervened that I didn’t even know about. Praise God. So, let me just take you through that day the best I can.
It just so happens, that after we left the courthouse that morning, my partner said that he had received a call from the pastor and that the pastor had requested to meet with him for lunch. Well, he was not about to let me be a part of that conversation, so he was going to drop me off at the house while he went to this meeting. I would find out later that the pastor had in fact not asked for this lunch meeting. That was a lie. My partner had reached out to the pastor. Now, that may seem like an insignificant detail, but it was one of the ways the Lord was moving. Right.
The night before, when my friend said she was coming to get me, she and her husband started interceding for me through prayer. Standing in the gap. Asking for help. She knew she was coming to get me. Right. But she didn’t fully know what that might look like. How dangerous it might be or even if there would be an opportunity where I would be alone. There were so many uncertainties.
So that meeting that my partner had asked for, the one he would later claim that the church used to set him up, worked in my favor. It gave me the opportunity to be alone. And the thing is, at the time the pastor didn’t even know what was going on. He didn’t know there was a rescue operation taking place; or that he would be involved; or that through this, the Lord was going to use him and his wife in a mightily way. There were a lot of moving parts, and the Lord was ordering the steps of everyone involved. Amen!
As soon as he dropped me off at the house and left again, I sent a text to let my friend know. Because she was already in the area waiting for my text, she was able to get to my house within a matter of minutes. I had just enough time to say goodbye to my son as he slept, leave a letter for my partner expressing my position on the relationship and to grab a few personal items. I unplugged the front door camera and waited. And when she arrived in her van, we grabbed my things, including my mastiff, and we pulled off. A very grab-and-go kind of situation. And then we were gone.
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His Purpose.
-Romans 8:28
Part Twenty-Nine
The Letter
I share the letter that I left here for transparency purposes; to show what was actually said on my part. To counter some of the lies about how I left. One of the first “receipts” so to speak. I tried to make sure that I didn’t shift all of the blame on him. That my leaving was my decision and that I needed to work on me. I could easily post a screenshot of the actual email, but then that would be kind of hard to read. So I’ll just type it here instead. Only the names have been left out. Everything else is verbatim.January 5. 2023
Hello, (changed)
I’ve made a tough decision. I’ve searched my heart and prayed about this for a while now and I’ve decided to leave the relationship. This has been on my mind for a while now. And I feel like the Lord is leading me in another direction. And my relationship with the Lord is something that has become extremely important to me.
While I do love you and we’ve spent a good part of our lives together, we just are not at a place where we can continue to move forward. There is no way that marriage is an option right now. We’ve had several discussions over the past several weeks and you have also expressed your unhappiness, the years that have been “taken” from you and so on. I have to make some changes in my life and I don’t want to argue about this. I just want to move on peacefully.
Our Son (changed) can call me at anytime. I hope you are able to keep your emotions about this together so that (he) doesn’t feel stressed. I’m going to go live with (older son) now that he has his home back. I will take Roscoe with me, but the other dogs will have to be yall’s responsibility.
This past year has been extremely difficult for me. That last fight Thursday was really the last straw for me and (older son) said he would feel fine with me staying with him. I need to focus on getting well. I do not want to discuss anything or fight. This needs to be a no-contact transition. I don’t need my phone blowing up. It’s going to take me forever to get up there and I don’t need the distraction. (Our son) is almost an adult. He doesn’t need anyone to babysit him. (My best friend) is only a phone call away if he needs anything. I’ll probably be turning my phone off for a while. We’re both adults and more than capable of being civil.
For Thou art my rock and my fortress; Therefore for Thy name’s sake lead me, and guide me.
-Psalm 31:3
Part Thirty
Now, we had multiple vehicles. But he had been keeping them at his office and then he had one that he would use to go back and forth with. So after my friend had picked me up and we were nearing the city limits, we decided to drive past his office because we knew he was still at his lunch meeting. And as we were driving up, I could see my vehicle was there and I had the spare key on me. So she pulled along the side road and I jumped out and ran to my vehicle.
At this point, I knew he was going to know what was happening because of the outdoor security cameras. It was a very stressful move on my part. There were workers outside, his family members were there and I had tripped running, cutting my foot open trying to get to my vehicle. But God. Because there was no interference from anyone. I was able to get my vehicle and go and follow behind my friend. .
And the Lord was still working. Because during this time, the Pastor had been made aware of what was happening and was able to extend the lunch meeting. At least up until the point the cameras had notified my partner of me getting into my vehicle. That really set him off. He even accused the pastor of being involved. Implying that he had been set up. So he raced back to the office where he proceeded to cause a scene and make threats against the church. And because the pastor had rode with him to the restaurant and back to his office, the pastor was able to relay these things to us later.
Meanwhile, my friend and I both pulled over to a boat launch where she threw my cell phone into the bayou so as not to be tracked. Which, in that moment, did take me by surprise. Fortunately, I had a list of important names and numbers already written down. So getting rid of the phone made no difference to me. I then followed her to a dealership a few cities over where I sold my vehicle within an hour or so. After the deal was done, we headed back to her and her husbands place. And from that point, I have never looked back.
In telling this part, it sounds very matter-of-fact, and in many ways, it is. This is what happened. But it is also a condensed version. I don’t know if I could ever fully relate all of the heartache and shame and intense fear that I felt in these moments as they took place. Nor could I ever fully explain the grace and mercy of the Lord as He personally walked me through each one of these instances. Or how He used every single person involved for His Glory. Or the fact that I’ve had so many answered prayers since that day, that it is hard to keep count. Or how I have unshakeable faith now because of His work in my life.
But I will try. Because the day that I was picked up, well that’s when the real rescue began. I have tasted and have seen. And I have been called to testify to the Goodness of God. Amen.
And call upon Me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify Me.
-Psalm 50:15
Part Thirty-One
You know, I had a ton of fear and anxiety all throughout that day. Fear that help wasn’t actually going to make it after all. Fear that I wouldn’t actually be able to follow through with leaving; especially knowing the fact that I wouldn’t be taking our son with me. That broke me in a different kind of way. Fear that I’d be stuck in a volatile relationship forever; or at least until I died. Then when help did arrive, I was still scared. The fear had intensified to a whole other level.
At the dealership there was this unsettling feeling that he was going to suddenly show up and cause a scene. And this wasn’t some irrational, unlikely fear that I held. He had a history of showing up in different situations and causing scenes. He had done it before with me. But the feeling was so intense that I ended up getting in the back of the van with my dog. We had intentionally parked the van away from my vehicle just in case there was a tracking device and he did show. Thankfully, he did not. The Lord stood in the way.
I’ll never forget how hot it was that day even though it was only the first week of January. How hot it was in the back of that windowless van. Even with the door slightly cracked, I didn’t know how much longer me or the dog would last. It was intense. My chest hurt and my heart raced the entire time. But make no mistake, I was happy to be in the back of that van; just also scared. And it felt like I had been back there forever. But I’m not sure of the actual time-frame. Stressful situations can make time seem like it’s moving in slow motion even though it’s not.
At some point I began to wonder what the dealership was going to do. Whether they would make a judgement call to involve the police or not. My friend had went in and spoke with them and they ended up coming out to the van. I’m sure it’s not everyday that they have someone come to sell a vehicle who won’t come inside because they’re too scared. Or because they’re hiding out in the back of a van in the heat like some stow-away. But she explained the situation, I had all of the rightful documents needed and so they proceeded with the deal. Again, the Lord was standing in the way of any interference.
But the anxiety was real. Even once I was safe behind private gated property, I was still shaken with fear. It would take months for that stronghold to be broken off. But God. Right. Because He knew what I was going to go through in that season. And He was faithful. He provided. He made a way for me to be able to stay in the area instead of fleeing out of state. He surrounded me with a community of people who would love, support and fight for me. They locked arms and stood in one accord on my behalf. And not just for me, but my children as well. And I will be forever grateful. Amen.
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.
-Isaiah 41:10
Part Thirty-Two
You would think that once I knew I was safe that there would be just this overwhelming sense of relief. But there wasn’t actually. It was quite the opposite. Now, I was definitely overwhelmed with gratitude. Which is a wonderful thing. I was extremely grateful to the Lord and to those He had used. But I was still carrying a lot of fear. A lot of dread. Especially not knowing what the days to come would look like. For myself, my son, and for all of those who were involved.
Because the moment my ex, because from this point on he was no longer my partner, knew that I had left, I knew he was going to completely lose it. And he did. He wasted no time in his smear campaign against me and the church. He wanted to get his narrative out there first. He spun his version as quickly as he could to whoever he could. Not only did he spread ridiculous lies, he also made some serious threats. And it wouldn’t take long before all of his rants and threats would make their way throughout the surrounding communities.
Threats are only threats until they’re not. Once a threat is acted upon, then at that point it becomes a reality for someone. And that’s really where my concern was. And not just for myself. He was actively threatening people in the church; the congregation. And that included the pastor. Basically, wherever the GPS had shown I went in his car since I had first started going to church, he wanted to threaten those people specifically. Assuming everyone I talked to or visited with had some part in this grand scheme against him. Anyone involved in directly helping me he wanted to threaten and intimidate. It was a mess. And this was all in the first forty-eight hours or so of me leaving.
He had the tags ran on my friends van that had been picked up on the office security cameras. He started trying to access all of her personal information. He began to reach out to people he barely spoke to in all the years that we were together. Reaching out to my family. My friends. Even my previous mother-in-law. Who in turn, were all reaching out to people in the church wanting to know what had happened and where I was. I mean, they had heard his version, but they wanted the truth. A few of them had even come close to reaching out to law enforcement.
There were at least three individual families who when they heard I was “missing” believed that I had been murdered by the same person who called to tell them I was gone. To be in a position where even other people are worried about your relationship for you is really sad. But that’s what it had come to. I had no phone. So I wasn’t calling anyone. I did have a laptop and was able to access certain resources, but my contact with others was extremely limited. And that was my decision.
And by staying silent, all kinds of lies were told. But everything that was said made it’s way back to me. From different sources. And it was hard to sit back and allow that to happen. Hearing what was being said about me…that was hard. Not defending myself…that was hard. Being silent and waiting on the Lord…that was hard. Knowing that he would be filling our son’s head with all kinds of nonsense…that was hard. And the days to come…they would be even harder.
But thank the Lord that I had some very Christ-like folks helping me through all of this. Giving kind, sound biblical advice. Praying for me and praying with me. Bringing me into their homes. Sharing what they had with me. Reassuring me that the Lord had everything under control. That things would work out according to His Will. Encouraging me to press forward though being separated from my son.
And seeing what the Lord had already done in my life, I knew that I could trust Him and those He had put around me. He had already moved in so many ways. I literally saw that and experienced Him in a very real way. But trust in general was very hard for me. And I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t an extremely difficult process. Because it was. But God. Right. He was still ordering the footsteps of everyone involved. Amen.
Where no counsel is, the people fall: But in the multitude of counsellors there is safety.
-Proverbs 11:14
Part Thirty-Three
Those first few days, and nights gone, were hard. I was extremely overwhelmed with a number of emotions, anxieties and concerns. There were so many things going on at once. The ex was trying to figure out where I had gone and he was reaching out to whoever he thought might have information. He didn’t know which state I was in. And that’s one of the reasons I chose not to let anyone know I had left. I didn’t want him knowing where I was.
And over these first few days the pastor had continued to stay in touch with him. He actually tried to offer him biblical encouragement and counseling; to help him. But that’s not the kind of help he wanted. He just wanted to know where I was so that he could get to me. And the pastor knew that. He wasn’t deceived by his antics in any kind of way.
There was a sit down between myself, the couple whose house I was at and the pastor and his wife to decide where things would go from there. They were concerned for me and my safety and I was concerned for them as well. And I did not want the pastor to be put in any kind of position where he would be compromised. Like, I didn’t want him to be put in a position where he couldn’t speak freely about the situation.
So, the pastor and his wife offered for me to come and stay with them at their home while these things were figured out. That way, when the ex asked about my whereabouts, the pastor could say without hesitation, “She’s staying with me and my wife and you are not to come near our home.” The pastor would be able to speak freely without compromising himself. Just the honest truth. And so, that is what we all agreed upon; I would go stay with them.
And at that, all of the anxiety and worry in regard to what would happen from that point or where I would go, was immediately removed for the time being. Those were concerns that were taken off the table so to speak. Just like with the secret place and my utility room, the Lord knew that I would need a place to go. There was no real plan on our end. Right. But God. Because He had already established the place where I would end up. Just none of us knew it beforehand.
I was rescued January 5, 2023, and by January 8th, I was settled in a place where I knew I would be safe. A place where the Lord wanted me to be. It’s amazing how all of these things, as scary as they were, played out according to the Lord’s Plan. Not mine. Not theirs. But His. We talk about being the hands and feet of Christ, but when you see it unfold before your very own eyes, as I did with these wonderful people, it’s truly astonishing. Amen.
He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.
-Psalm 40:2
Part Thirty-Four
Being taken in by the pastor and his wife turned out to be one of the biggest blessings. They invited me in wholeheartedly and without judgment; never putting any demands or stipulations on my stay. They helped me to heal physically, mentally and spiritually. With continuous encouragement and prayer. They are a kind and self-less couple. Those who are truly dedicated to the Lord. And I am forever grateful.
But my stay was not without pain or suffering. There were many days of uncertainty and fear and heartache. I was extremely thankful to only be around twenty minutes or so from my youngest son. But I was still separated from him nonetheless. And it would be a while before I saw him again.
And even though I was now out of that toxic relationship, there were still many obstacles that had to be faced. Threats against myself, as well as the church, were still being made. I was still fearful to go out in public alone. I was even concerned about showing up for church. So much so, that I would often stay in another part of the building until well after church service began. Then I would go into the sanctuary. But even then I still stayed in a back corner somewhere. A few times I even went to a different church out of state.
There were just so many things that had to be dealt with. To say things were stressful would be an understatement. But every day I would pray, “Lord, just stand in the way.” Between me, the ex, the threats, the uncertainties; all of it. And He did. Because every time it would seem that the enemy had the upper hand or that things were about to get much worse, the Lord would step in. The enemy would make a move. And the Lord would counter every single time. Checkmate. Amen.
Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the Lord will be with you.
-2 Chronicles 20:17
Part Thirty-Five
I don’t use certain terms, like ‘checkmate‘, lightly. Scripture tells us in Proverbs 24, that we are not to laugh or take pleasure when someone else is being corrected. It says, “17 Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth.” The Lord does not like that. And I don’t want to be like that. Amen.
I share my testimony as it happened and I share these moments to show how the Lord moved in these particular situations. I’m not just sharing the ‘poor me’ parts. I take accountability where I know have fault. The Lord, because He is faithful, acted. He moved. He intervened according to His will.
Throughout this journey, there have been many interactions with the Lord; between myself and the Lord, between others and the Lord and between the enemy and the Lord. Things I didn’t believe were possible. Things I thought were only for other people. Blessings and answered prayers took place. Straight miracles. And He gets all the glory. And so, every time the enemy advanced, the Lord countered. Those were absolute ‘checkmate‘ moments every time. Thank you, Lord!
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him that loved us.
-Romans 8:37
Part Thirty-Six
I spent around fifteen and a half months living with the pastor and his wife. There were a lot of back and forth moves between the enemy and us. That first month alone was filled with all kinds of hurdles. With all of the threats that were being thrown around, we couldn’t be certain whether things would get out of hand or not. Unlike myself, both the pastor and his wife had put their full trust in the Lord. I was the one falling short in that area. I believed there was a potential for things to get violent.
So based on my personal history with my ex, I filed a restraining order based on both emotional and physical abuse. Now, I will say that I have never been physically beaten. I have never experienced what many other women have who were in similar relationships. But there were instances of physical abuse. And I have receipts to back those claims.
So, I filed. Only the enemy tried to make a move. Prior to the ex being officially served, a family member of his who is active law enforcement showed up at the house we lived in to warn him. I know this because the front door camera picked it up. And because I still had access to the app, I screenshot the interaction. Well a few days later, a court clerk emailed me to let me know that my court date for the restraining order had been cancelled. Their reasoning for cancelling was based on jurisdiction. The judge felt that I should file in the county I had lived in prior versus the one that I had fled to.
Within a matter of hours, the ex was reaching out to the pastor. He was relentless with the back and forth texts and phone calls. He was furious that I would make such outlandish allegations against him and his reputation. But his biggest concern was the fact that a restraining order could hinder his right to bear arms.
So, it was his suggestion to the pastor that a contract be drawn up. He wanted a legal document created that basically stated that he would have no contact with me, unless in an emergency situation involving our son, for a stated period of time and in exchange, I would not file the initial order. It also included a financial payment for the illegal debt that was accrued in my name. Which there are also receipts for.
Now this wasn’t a decision that was rushed. With the help of the couple from church, I was able to consult with three different lawyers. Which was a blessing in itself because I would not have been able to afford to consult with one. Thank you, Lord. However, all three advised against the contract he wanted. So much so that none of them wanted a part in drawing it up. And they had even agreed that a restraining order in itself would not offer much more protection. Their advice; go straight to court.
At the time, this situation seemed like a setback. But it wasn’t. Because the Lord was still moving. But the matter was prayed over. And so we made the decision to draw up the contract that the ex had asked for to see if he would honor it. The pastor had the contract drawn up and we proceeded to move forward from there.
And they shall fight against thee, but they shall not prevail against thee, for I am with thee, saith the Lord, to deliver thee.
-Jeremiah 1:19
Part Thirty-Seven
It took several negotiations before the final contract was agreed upon and signed. But once it was, it made things a little bit easier. A system was set into place. One that allowed me to have some safety and one that allowed me to see my son. His father had agreed to drop our son off on certain days at the church.
So, on drop-off days, my son would be dropped off in the morning at the church office, the secretary would let me know he was there and then I would head that way to pick him up and we would spend the day together. And then around evening time I would bring him back to the office and he would call his dad to come get him. It wasn’t an ideal situation because I couldn’t just see him when I wanted. But it was still a blessing considering the situation.
The arrangement did relieve a ton of stress in regard to seeing my son. However, threats were still being made against the pastor and the church, I was still being “watched” from a distance, I was very fearful that I would be caught off guard in public if I was alone, and he knew private details about my personal business that came from other friends of his in the church. He was secretly and fraudulently accessing my bank account details; which there are also “receipts” for. He would spin his tires and peel-out in the church parking lot whenever he was dropping off or picking up our son. And of course, other church goers had questions about that. It was a mess and it was embarrassing.
So when people ask whether or not he honored his part of the contract…technically, but not really. He never approached me, but he still watched me. He never contacted me, but he accessed my personal accounts. He never called or texted, but he relayed what he wanted me to know through our son. So no, there was no honor on his part.
But God. Right. Because the Lord was still helping. Still protecting. Still providing. Still standing in the way. Countering every move the enemy made. Still answering prayers made in that small prayer room. Even though I had been removed from that place. I was seeing prayers and petitions come to fruition that had been prayed months before my rescue that directly aligned with what was happening during this period of my life. It is still mind-blowing when I think back on these moments today. When the Lord says, “for I know the plans I have for you“
…believe Him. Because He is faithful! Amen.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise Him.
Psalm 28:7
Part Thirty-Eight
So even though it wasn’t a convenient situation, it still turned out to be a blessing. It still turned out to be an answer to a prayer. And I want to make sure that I testify to that. Because my youngest son does not believe in the Lord. Because of some of the things he’s been through, he just cannot bring himself to believe that there is a God. That he has a Heavenly Father who cares for him. He doesn’t have that faith. Yet. And when you live with a person who only has negative things to say about the Lord and the church those opinions are going to affect that person; especially a young adult. And so my son did not like that the church was the middle ground.
But this is how the Lord moved. Right. In the beginning when he was dropped off, he would wait outside the office. He would not step foot inside. The secretary would see out the window that he had been dropped off and then she would call me. And because I only lived five minutes down the street it did not take long at all for me to get to him. As time progressed when he would be dropped off, he would go inside the office and when people would speak to him, he would actually acknowledge them. And then as time moved on from there, he would wait outside the sanctuary and then eventually, he would wait inside the sanctuary. And that was such a huge thing to see happen with him. It was baby steps. But it was steps nonetheless. and it was beautiful.
And not only that, but as I saw these little moves of the Lord, I would begin to pray,
Lord let him meet Brother so-and-so or let him meet this person or that person. Because I wanted him to know that the people that the Lord had brought into my life were not crazy. They were not a cult. They were not bad people. I wanted him to see the truth and overtime he did. Every encounter that I prayed for that involved my son and other people came to pass. Amen. And so even to this day, one of my current pleas to the Lord is for both of my sons to encounter godly, Christ-like people who will help lead them to the Lord. Who will help build up their faith. And that is a prayer I will continue to pray in Jesus’ Name. Amen.
So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
Romans 10:17
Part Thirty-Nine
After several weeks into my stay with the pastor and his wife I became ill. I had been experiencing some lower pain weeks prior, but I just sort of ignored it. I thought the pain was stress-related. However, one night around three o’clock in the morning, I woke up in extreme pain covered in blood. I remember being almost completely bent over trying to get to their bedroom. It was pretty scary. But I was able to wake them up, and they immediately rushed me to the hospital.
It was not a pleasant experience. They got me to the back fairly quickly. But nothing was helping with the pain; or the bleeding. The blood was literally pooling around me in my gown. Eventually, after four different tests, I was told that they had found a mass the size of a small orange in my uterus. I was basically told the situation didn’t look good and I was advised to seek a specialist right away. I think I was too scared to even react. I just laid there terrified. But as the doctor was speaking, the pastor‘s wife stood up and laid hands on my abdomen and started praying. Now, I’m not sure how the other people in the room felt, but for myself, it was an intense moment. And nothing against the doctors, but they had come in with their results and automatically had started speaking death over me and the pastor’s wife immediately stood and started speaking life through prayer. Praise the Lord for her faithfulness!
Some hours later they released me and we went home. That was a Tuesday. The next evening I went with the pastor’s wife to Bible study, and when the congregation found out what had happened, they all gathered around me, anointed me with oil and they prayed over me. That Friday I went in to have the surgery. When I woke up, the doctor proceeded to tell me that they couldn’t find the mass that was all over the images the test scans had shown. It wasn’t there at all. So she did what she needed to do to clean my body and get rid of all of the blood because the blood had started to turn into necrosis. Which is extremely scary. And so I was put on several extremely hard-core medications and sent home to heal. And I thank God for the pastor‘s wife because she was so diligent in helping me in my recovery process and she just served in such a godly way. I will be forever grateful. That was one of the hardest healing processes I had to go through. But God. Right. Because when He says he will never leave you, He will never leave you. And He never did. Amen.
Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:
James 5:14
Part Forty
During my healing process, I would continue to come under attack. I would have severe worry and anxiety. I would have chest pains and it felt like I could hear my own heart pounding in my ears. And because I had just had surgery, those attacks made everything worse. I didn’t know what was causing these issues. I thought something had gone wrong with my recovery and so it would cause me to panic.
I remember one morning at church I just felt so bad and I remember praying to the Lord,
“Lord I’m just gonna stay here and worship and if something happens and I fall out right here in the sanctuary, at least I know the people here are gonna pray for me.” But after church, I wanna go to the hospital. And so the pastor’s wife did bring me to the emergency room for the chest pains. And they ran some tests. They did an EKG and everything came back normal. And they’re looking at me and they’re saying your blood work is fine. Your tests are fine. There is nothing to be concerned about. And I think in that moment, I finally realized that all these physical things I was experiencing was nothing more than an attack of the enemy. Right.
The enemy was trying to make me think I was dying again. He was trying to make me fear. If he can’t get to you spiritually, he will try to get you physically and when he can’t get you physically, he will try to get you spiritually. And so once I had the realization, and proof, that I was fine physically and that these attacks were spiritual, those physical symptoms disappeared. And so did the fear and worry. The attacks lost all their power. They were cut down. Amen. My shield was up and all of those fiery darts fell to the ground. And that’s one of the reasons why as believers, it’s so important that we stay rooted in the Word of God. So that we know how to discern when it’s the enemy and be able to combat those attacks. So that we are able to stand and be victorious in these spiritual battles that we face. Make no mistake, the Word of God is true. It is the Sword of the Spirit. And praise the Lord for it!
For the Word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and to the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Hebrews 4:12
Part Forty-One
But that didn’t stop the enemy from his tactics. Scripture is very clear that the enemy will continue to come for you. To destroy you. First Peter tells us to “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: 1 Peter 5:8. Even though the physical symptoms and fear and anxiety were gone, I would still have intrusive, suicidal thoughts. And they were just as intense as the panic attacks. Luckily, not only did I have the Word, but I also had a strong support group.
Not everyone understands what it’s like to feel like you want to take your own life. Some people just can’t comprehend the idea. Like, how could you not want to live after all you’ve been through? And the things is, is that unlike before, I did want to live. That’s the whole design of an intrusive attack. It comes in out of nowhere, the thought is completely out of your character and it tries to make you believe the thoughts are your own. But they are not. That’s why they’re referred to as intrusive; they invade your mind against your will. Some people act on them and some people don’t.
What I know about intrusive thoughts, having struggled so long with them, is that they are absolutely demonic. And seeing how far the Lord had brought me and how present He had been throughout this entire journey, I knew what had to be done. I had to counter these spiritual attacks, like I had done with the physical attacks on my body, through prayer and by searching the Scriptures. So that’s what I did. And like with my other pleas and petitions, the Lord answered. Amen.
casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
2 Corinthians 10:5
Part Forty-Two
When you really search the Scriptures, you will find an answer to almost any question imaginable. It’s all right there. The Word tells us that we are in a spiritual battle. That the enemy comes to kill, still and destroy. He roams around like a roaring lion. And we can counter his attacks by setting our minds on Christ Jesus. By staying in the Word. By seeking the Lord’s face.
I had to humble myself. Scripture tells us in Proverbs 16:3 to “Commit thy works unto the Lord, And thy thoughts shall be established.” But I had been ashamed to speak about the thoughts that I was having even though I knew they were not my own. Right. And again, that’s a tactic of the enemy. Because if he can keep you silent, he can keep you in bondage. Plain & simple. And as much freedom as I had already experienced, I was not about to continue to keep secrets for the devil.
And we know that everything done in the dark will be exposed. For Jesus says “For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known.” Matthew 10:26. So I exposed him. The Word says for us to confess our faults to one another. So that’s what I did. Remember that older gentlemen I spoke about? The one who prayed for me as I sat among a sea of strangers? Well, he showed up out of nowhere one day and prayed for me again. And he didn’t show up alone. No, he brought the Holy Spirit with him. Amen.
Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
James 5:16
Part Forty-Three
Now it just so happened that my son had been dropped off and he was already waiting in the sanctuary. So I went inside and sat in the seat in front of him. We were alone and we were just talking. And this gentleman had walked in through the sanctuary and then went to another part of the building. As he was coming out, he stopped to speak to me and my son.
As he sat down and we began to talk, he let me know that he was not supposed to be at the church at all that day. The Lord had instructed him to stop and go into the sanctuary. But he didn’t know what for. And like at my baptism, he was just being obedient. I was just overcome with emotion. Because I knew that I needed to talk about what was going on. And so I told him what I had been experiencing and dealing with. He asked me if I wanted to finally lay all these things down. Which of course, I did. He then asked if I wanted to go up to the alter and pray. And so we did. And he prayed over me and with me. Amen.
Now, as Christians, we know we have the Lord’s Holy Spirit within us. He is our comforter. And so it’s one thing as an individual to pray for someone. But it’s a whole other experience when that person anoints you, lays hands on you and commands a spirit out of you as the Scriptures tell us to do. Those works are not done by the individual, they are done by the Holy Spirit. Plain & simple. No one can take credit or boast in those particular situations. And so that is what I mean when I say he showed up out of nowhere and brought the Holy Spirit with him.
And that spirit of suicide, well it was cast out. Praise the Lord! And in full disclosure, he had prayed for me two other times in regard to similar issues. Only I hadn’t been completely transparent prior because of the shame that was associated with the intrusive thoughts. This time I was. And to this day, suicide does not cross my mind. One demonic spirit down, several more to go.
Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.”
John 14:12
Part Forty-Four
That was my first experience with that type of prayer. It was a more gentle-like experience compared to what was coming. And let me just say that regardless of your belief system, the laying of hands and casting out of demons is biblical. Jesus did it, He empowered His followers to do it and then commanded believers to continue to do it. Again, it’s biblical. But before I go further with my testimony, let’s just address the idea of Christian’s having demons. Because it does seem to be quite controversial. But not only can I share from Scripture, but I can share from my personal experiences and the experiences of others that I have personally witnessed; all born-again, saved Christians.
So, can a Christian have demons. Uh, yeah. Absolutely. And Scripture supports this. In Matthew 16:23 we see where Jesus spoke to His Disciple Peter saying, “Get thee behind me, Satan: thou art an offense unto Me: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but those that be of men”. And I’m not saying Peter was possessed, but Jesus was addressing Satan specifically through Peter. Again, His disciple. A Christian. And you look at what happened with Judas. Jesus’ disciple. Judas was absolutely influenced by the devil. Scripture says Satan entered into Judas. That’s written about in both Luke and John.
There are so many Christians today that have shared their testimonies of being saved while also having demons. Now the terms often associated with demons are possession or oppression. Here’s the thing. If you’re using the term possession then no, a Christian cannot be possessed because they belong to the Lord. Right. For example, if I steal your wallet, I possess it. I don’t own it. It’s not mine. But I still have it. Still can use it or handle it anyway I choose.
But Christians can absolutely be oppressed, influenced and stricken with illnesses caused by demons! If a Christian is being oppressed by a demon, then they got a demon. If a Christian is being influenced by a demon, then they got a demon. If a Christian is stricken with an illness due to a stronghold or sin, then they got a demon. Again, there are countless testimonies. And when prayed over those demons were cast out. There are testimonies of Christians being physically healed of infirmities after the laying of hands and casting out of demons. It’s Biblical. Always has been. Always will be.
People tend to get caught up on the verbiage in regard to demons. But the fact of the matter is, demons exist, they have an agenda, they create strongholds in peoples lives, they oppress people and cause them to live in bondage. It’s just facts. The Bible describes several instances of demonic oppression as well as what happens if you are not filled with the Spirit once a demon is cast out. It’s some scary stuff. And that’s where deliverance comes in. I’ve been through a few. Praise the Lord. There is freedom in the ministry of deliverance. And not only have I been delivered, but I now help to deliver others. And by me, I mean by the Holy Spirit working through me. Amen. But we’ll cross that bridge a little later.
Then He called His twelve disciples together, and gave them power and authority over all devils, and to cure diseases.
Luke 9:1
Part Forty-five
So after that experience at the alter, I started to feel better spiritually and emotionally. But I wasn’t quite fully healed from the surgery that I had. And so interestingly enough, I was trying to figure out how I could feel better physically. And so one night as the pastor and his wife and I were sitting and watching TV the doorbell rang. And it was the next-door neighbor coming over to return a stapler that he had borrowed. And so he introduced himself and I introduced myself, and that was that.
But he had reached back out to the pastor‘s wife to ask more about me. And after some time had passed, he offered to go walking with me. So I agreed, and we started walking together, but I still really didn’t know him. I had met his teenage daughter and she had been over to the house a few times prior to me actually meeting him. In fact, I had been coming to the pastor‘s house since October for Bible study and had moved in with them in January and had never even seen him once. I didn’t even know he existed.
So when we started walking, I was in fact a little nervous because of everything that I had just went through and because he was still sort of a stranger to me. And in no way did I want to be confronted on the street by my ex or by anyone else, walking with some strange man. I remember one time he asked me, “Who goes walking for two hours and doesn’t say anything?” And all I could say was, “It’s called walking not talking!” But overtime we developed a friendship and I was able to be myself around him and his daughter.
They would come over to the house or I would go over to their house or we would all just go places together; like to have dinner or walking or things like that. We would visit each other’s churches. It was really comforting. And I knew that I could trust this person. Which was so far from what I was used to. Trusting has always been hard for me. But God. Right. Because He knew what I needed and who I needed. Amen. And unbeknownst to me, the neighbor had actually been praying to meet someone that he could go walking with. God was showing up for both of us. And it would be several months later that we would realize that we were both a part of the same plan. God was working things for both of our good. Amen. He was directing, or should I say, converging our paths. But first He would have to work on us individually before we could come together. And that’s where the real work came in. But God.
A man’s heart deviseth his way: But the Lord directeth his steps.
Proverbs 16:9
TO BE CONTINUED